Self-Compassionate Parenting
As parents, it’s obvious to us that our state of mind affects our children. If we’re angry with our kids, chances are they aren’t responding with their sweetest selves, either. And when we are overwhelmed and anxious, our kids pick up on it and in some cases, they too might become overwhelmed and anxious.
The sheer act of reading that last sentence could be a moment to judge yourself. You could be saying to yourself: “Ugh, yes one more thing to worry about, could this anxiety have a negative effect on my kid? Yeah, I get it, I suck and am ruining my kids' life.” This is an opportunity for self-compassion right here. Instead of self-judgment you could say to yourself: “I’m anxious. The world is pretty frantic right now, my job is hard and it’s really scary at times that I am raising a little one in a world full of so many unknowns and terrible things. AND I don’t have any control of it. It makes sense that I’m anxious. The whole world is anxious right now.”
Going through a self-compassionate process with yourself can ease your anxiety, which then has a positive effect on your kids. And if you want your kids to embody this, the best way to teach your child self-compassion is to model it for them.
Self-compassion is a highly evidence based practice with peer-reviewed research to back it up. There are three basics building blocks to the practice:
Mindfulness: is being non-judgmentally aware of what is happening around you and in your mind and emotions. Basically, this allows you to be an observer of your experience, rather than caught up in an anxiety spiral. It looks like acknowledging your experience: “I’m overwhelmed right now because ____”.
Self-Kindness: this is being as kind and generous to yourself as you would a friend (or fellow parent!). Consider if the way you are internally speaking to yourself is a way you’d ever consider talking to another person you care about. If not, it’s time to re-frame your self-talk.
Common Humanity: this is a way to think about your experience in context and that we are all in this together. A common way to think about this is by saying to yourself “Anyone would be stressed in these circumstances.” or perhaps “It’s so hard to parent a child given the state of the world; everyone is struggling.” The end goal is to ensure you don’t feel alone in your struggles, since isolation is when most of our struggles feel worse.
Here are some easy things you can do in the moment if you need to support yourself:
Take a Self-Compassion Break. This is as simple as it sounds. This is basically taking a moment to offer yourself some space to engage in self-compassionate affirming self-talk. AKA utilizing the 3 building blocks above, it could look like: Taking some deep breaths, placing your hand on your heart and saying to yourself “I’m having a hard time right now with my toddler’s behavior. I know any parent would be struggling with these tantrums. I know that I’m doing everything right and that with patience and time things will get better. It’s okay that I’m struggling.”
Take a Mindfulness Walk. Either alone, or with your child. Notice and talk about what you see, hear, or feel, like crunching leaves under your feet. Only focus on what’s right in front of you. Our little ones definitely help us do this naturally as they always focus on what they see!
Re-frame Chores as a Mindfulness Practice. It’s normal to be resentful or overwhelmed that you have another load of dishes to wash, but one way to cope is by making it a sensory focused mindfulness practice. Mindfulness as a practice can help because it mentally and physiologically calms you down by focusing on something, rather than continuing a thought spiral that is focused on what is upsetting you.
To do this engage all your senses:
1. Describe to yourself how each dish feels in your hand - the texture, the weight, how the temperature of the water feels on your hands, the sensation of soap bubbles, etc. 2. Describe to yourself what you hear in the moment: is it the sound of water splashing, or maybe your kids are happily playing in the background. 3. Describe to yourself what you see, maybe you have a view out a window: what’s out there? 4. Describe anything you might smell, such as the dish soap. Don’t like what you smell? Maybe it’s time to add a new scent to your kitchen that can help in your future mindfulness practices.
Interested in deep diving into self-compassion? Check out Dr. Kristen Neff’s website, self-compassion.org for a wealth of resources.
There are many other self-compassion practices in these articles here (link: https://centerformsc.org/10-self-compassion-practices-for-covid-19/) and here (link: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_parents_need_a_little_self_compassion).